When I decided to write my blog again after I quit a few months ago I promised myself that if the time wasn’t right to write I wouldn’t pressure myself. The last week has been one of those times.
The vitamins I take are no longer giving me the energy boost they used to. I’m tired. Exhausted in fact. I work hard and I collect Orlaith, who is apparantly always well behaved at the childminders, but turns into a screaming whinghing child the minute i collect her. It’s not enjoyable. Not right now. I’m always loosing my cool with her. Always having to tell her off. To stop screaming. The screaming and whinghing is constant. It makes my insides knot up with frustration. I hate feeling like this. And as usual, there’s no breaks. Apart from work, which I wouldn’t call a break, it’s constant.
I don’t know if she’s trying to punish me for leaving her but I have no option. I am trying to give us a better life. She’s also extremely clingy right now. Always wants to be held, hugged or carried. I can’t sit down for one minute without her jumping on me or clinging to me with everything she has. But it’s not gentle behaviour, she is a “tom-boy” and so I usually end up bruised. There is not one moment I get personal space. It is always being (I don’t want to use the word invaded, but for lack of a better word I will) invaded. If I have a phone call she gets jealous and tries to take the phone or makes as much noise as she can so I can’t speak. If a visitor comes to my house she also makes a scene and a big noise. Let’s not even go into her continuous bad behaviour on public transport. The other day we had such a bad journey, the second I got to where I was heading I just burst into tears. It was literally as if a demon had possessed her. I was so humiliated and hurt by her behaviour.
I am emotional and I am sad at the way I feel towards being a mum right now. We still have good times, which I still love. Cuddles, cuteness and watching her learn new things every day, I still love it all. But right now the bad is out weighing the good. And I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is to have a person, who you love so much and put before yourself every time, do so much to make you feel sad. I know it’s not intentional. I know she’s struggling as much as I am with her feelings and trying to communicate properly. But I have to address the way I feel, to work past this, and become a mother who is capable of dealing with this and not crumbling.
